BLADDER BLATHER

Diarmuid Breatnach

M: I’m awake. Unhh … what woke me? Unhhh …. too early.

Bladder: I don’t know but I need to go.

M: You’re not desperate. I want to go back to sleep.

B: No ….

M: If I get up now to let you out in the toilet, I’ll be too awake to go back to sleep.

B: …………………….

M: I’m not listening. What?

B: Nothing. I think I need to go.

M: You don’t, not yet. Just relax and I’m off to sleep. In a couple of hours I have to get up.

B: mrmrmrmrmrmrmrmrmrmrm

M: What?

B: Nothing.

M: You’re muttering.

B: I’m not muttering.

M: You are. I heard you.

B: I’m just talking to myself.

M: Talking to yourself at very low volume.

B: Yes.

M: In other words, muttering.

B: I think I need to go.

M: You don’t. You’ve got plenty of stretch left in you.

B: Why don’t you just bring me there, I’ll release and you can go back to bed.

M: Because the act of getting up, switching on the light, walking into a colder atmosphere, urinating ….

B: Releasing me.

M: What?

B: Releasing me. Instead of “urinating”

M: Are you serious?

B: It doesn’t hurt to be polite.

M: You’re really trying to wind me up, aren’t you? But it’s not going to work. Let me go back to sleep.

B: M? M?

M: What?

B: Just bring me there and you can go straight back to sleep. Not one more murmur from me, honest.

M: No ….

B: But I need to go ….

M: Oh for fuck’s sake. OK, I’m getting up! There’s the toilet now. Go on. You’ve destroyed my sleep. I hope you’re satisfied!

B: Ahhhhhhhh!

M: Happy now?

B: No, not really, just ……

M: What?

B: Relieved.

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